My Speech

The English language is probably the most confusing language ever. We have letters in random places that make absolutely no sense. Some letters and words sound exactly the same. And some words just don’t seem right.

Like toothbrush. Why isn’t it called a teethbrush? We don’t all favour one tooth, and only brush that one tooth! It’s the same with toothpaste. Why isn’t it called teethpaste?

The letters C and K sound exactly the same. And sometimes, we randomly decide to put them together. And to be honest, in most circumstances, we could replace the letter c with an “S” or a “K”. Like this: “In most sirkumstanses, we kould replase the letter “C” with an “S” or a “K”.

What about that “rule”? I before E, except after C? Of course, with the exception of your eight overweight, conceited neighbours, and that efficient, beige concierge at the hotel. Weird right?

There are 923 words that break that rule. Only 44 follow it.

And there’s that digraph -” PH”. It’s pronounced the same way as the letter “F”. It’s simply there just to be confusing. We don’t need the P H in phone or pharmacy. We can just spell them with an “F”. It would still sound exactly the same.

We also use the word “had” many times in a row. Like in this sentence: All the medicine he had had, had had no effect on the outcome of his health.  That made perfect sense.

For some reason, the English language has some words that sound exactly the same, although they mean different things. Like in these sentences:

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was a good time to present his present.

And if you want to know the rules of English, here they are:

Their our know rules.

I also have issues with “silent letters”. Why are they there? We don’t need the “K” in knead and knot. We don’t say k’nead or k’not. And in receipt, we don’t say receipite. It’s the same with the letter “E”. Half the time it is doesn’t even need to be there. Like in dove, cove, and gate. We don’t say dovee, covee, or gatee. And don’t even get me started on g’nats and g’nomes.

And there’s no pine or apple in pineapple, and there’s no egg in eggplant. English muffins aren’t English, and French fries aren’t French. Just saying.

So the English language is pretty hard, right? Maybe I should just speak French instead. But then I would have to figure out why a chair is masculine and a table is feminine, and that could be hard. Anyway, merci d'avoir écouté et de vous amuser à parler anglais.